Otherwise known as, "Sometimes it's better not to wonder how or why."Read More
Today we present the inaugural Matilda's Moment, the first in a series of deep thoughts from the demented mind of a parent with tiny crackers on the brain.
An enormous amount of planning to pack an insane amount of activities into a relatively short amount of time - yeah, parenting is just like the Olympics. Here are some more highlights from this summer's events so far:Read More
Sample Test Questions for the Newly Developed Common Core Standards for Dads
Dad has a hot cup of coffee and sits down on the sofa to watch the morning news. Dad gets X sips of coffee before a child asks for something. In this equation:
A) X = 3
B) X = 0
C) X > 3
D) 1 < X > 3
E) none of the above
2. Deductive Reasoning
Mom has a glass of wine at dinner and is in a good mood.
Sometimes when Mom has a glass of wine and is in good mood, Dad gets lucky.
What can be concluded from the above statements?
A) Dad assumes he will get lucky
B) Dad guesses he will get lucky
C) Dad hopes he will get lucky
D) Dad assumes, guesses, hopes nothing because he understands reality
3. Social Studies - Open-ended answer section
Throughout the social and anthropological history of humanity, men have always assumed the forefront of progress. Society as it is known today exists because of men and their achievements. However, there have always been threats against the long-term survival of man. According to documented social science, what is most likely to result in the demise of man?
1. E) There's no such thing as a hot cup of coffee
2. C) He's married, not dead; there's always hope. Pour soul.
3. Although man has made many great contributions to humanity, there have been constant threats to long-term survival, such as: maternal apron strings, impaired cognitive function due to deficient or misplaced brains, and wives. The most persistent threat, however, has been Offspringis Sphinctercombustovirus. As men have developed biological defenses against the virus, it has quickly adapted to circumnavigate vaccines and natural immunities. “Each new generation is more dangerous than the next,” says old man sitting on the front porch, disparaging the way young people talk nowadays.
Infected individuals many show some or all of the following symptoms: thinning/loss of hair, weight gain, gastroenterological complications (in which excess gas and stomach acid can cause serious damage to the person and those around him), and increased fatigue. As the virus progresses, it can manifest itself in the form of severe mental disturbances. Infected men at advanced stages will start mumbling aloud to no one, speaking in broken foreign languages (e.g., fricking, ga-da-arnish, craaaaaa-nk-onastick), and even exhibit bouts of hysteria usually resulting in poorly-timed tickle fights.
Known treatments at this time include creating a quiet, dark space in which the men can retreat to and feel safe, increasing their liquid grain intake, and never, ever throwing away their favorite t-shirts.
All damage wrecked from this horrifying illness is compounded by the presence of daughters.
A Standardized Test for the Modern Mom
1. Critical Reading - Multiple Choice
Mom has two male children, ages 7 and 5. They have been arguing and irritating each other all afternoon, so she devises a punishment that requires cooperation. They must sweep the back porch clear of any dirt, dust and cobwebs; corners will be carefully inspected. Within a span of 30 minutes Mom witnesses the following: fighting over territory, pretending to zap each other with the brooms, invading territory to mess up the other's pile, complaining about being tired, "hiding" piles before taking a 60 second water break, playing hockey with the brooms and small action figures, fighting over how the points are scored. Mom will A) become eerily calm and quite B) start crying hysterically, C) get drunk, or D) all of the above.
Mom has one bottle of cabernet opened to breathe and two friends coming over. One friend brings a chilled bottle of savignon blanc and the other brings cheap white zinfandel directly from the shelf. How many bottles of wine do they have all together?
3. Essay Question
Write a short story in which you utilize at least ten of the provided vocabulary words.
1. D) all of the above
2. Not enough. It's never enough. Nobody cares about being a wine-snob anymore. Just drink that sh*t.
3. Mary and Jack get married and have a family. At first, the neophytes glow in the endearing and enriching changes in their lives. As time begins to wear on though, the children eventually arrogate family life. The once youthful couple are constantly stressed physically and mentally. They both age faster than a first-term president in half the time and each year the effect increases exponentially. Once stringent followers of a santimonious-style of parenting, in which there is no yelling or spanking, the parents eventually abnegate those practices. They turn, instead, into despotic rulers of the household. Mary and Jack spend most days onerously pushing the children to grow up and become independent. As the days, weeks, and years fly by, they are shocked and upset to find one day their children have finally grown. The yoke which used to weigh on them is no longer there, yet they wish they weren't free. Mary and Jack take to constantly extolling the wonder and beauty of family and begin pertinaciously prodding their children for grandchildren. The end.
Orlando. Stanford Rapist. Sandy Hook. ISIS. Extremism. Racism. Sexism. Hate. Sickness. Guns. Violence. Sadness. Fear.
At times I am admittedly numb to the endless tragedies and inane chatter populating news and social media. I feel heartless and helpless.Read More