tinycrackers

sometimes parenting can make you feel just a little crazy

common core curriculum for moms

A Standardized Test for the Modern Mom

1.  Critical Reading - Multiple Choice

Mom has two male children, ages 7 and 5.  They have been arguing and irritating each other all afternoon, so she devises a punishment that requires cooperation.  They must sweep the back porch clear of any dirt, dust and cobwebs; corners will be carefully inspected.  Within a span of 30 minutes Mom witnesses the following:  fighting over territory, pretending to zap each other with the brooms, invading territory to mess up the other's pile, complaining about being tired, "hiding" piles before taking a 60 second water break, playing hockey with the brooms and small action figures, fighting over how the points are scored.  Mom will A) become eerily calm and quite B) start crying hysterically, C) get drunk, or D) all of the above.

2.  Mathematics

Mom has one bottle of cabernet opened to breathe and two friends coming over.  One friend brings a chilled bottle of savignon blanc and the other brings cheap white zinfandel directly from the shelf.  How many bottles of wine do they have all together? 

3.  Essay Question

Write a short story in which you utilize at least ten of the provided vocabulary words.

Answer Key

1.  D) all of the above

2.  Not enough.  It's never enough.  Nobody cares about being a wine-snob anymore.  Just drink that sh*t.

3.  Mary and Jack get married and have a family.  At first, the neophytes glow in the endearing and enriching changes in their lives.  As time begins to wear on though, the children eventually arrogate family life.  The once youthful couple are constantly stressed physically and mentally.  They both age faster than a first-term president in half the time and each year the effect increases exponentially.  Once stringent followers of a santimonious-style of parenting, in which there is no yelling or spanking, the parents eventually abnegate those practices.  They turn, instead, into despotic rulers of the household.  Mary and Jack spend most days onerously pushing the children to grow up and become independent.  As the days, weeks, and years fly by, they are shocked and upset to find one day their children have finally grown.  The yoke which used to weigh on them is no longer there, yet they wish they weren't free.  Mary and Jack take to constantly extolling the wonder and beauty of family and begin pertinaciously prodding their children for grandchildren.  The end.