Becoming a parent comes with superpowers. You’d think after six years, I’d have mastered mine, but that hasn’t happened yet. I’m still adjusting to my new-found abilities, but here’s what I’ve figured out so far:
X-ray vision – I can tell when Duke doesn’t have underwear on under his pants. There’s no explanation other than I have x-ray vision. It's especially helpful when I'm getting the kids ready in the morning. I can be in the bathroom brushing Phyllis's teeth and know that Frank is in his room dancing in front of the mirror...naked. "How many more times do I have to say it?! Stop playing with yourself and get DRESSED!"
Magnetism – I have transformed into a powerful magnet. My children don't leave my side. I need to work on it, though, because it only turns on when I’m in the bathroom or on the phone.
Extrasensory Perception (ESP) – I can see into the future. For example, I know when Phyllis is going to knock her cup of milk off the table. I just wish I had super speed, too. Then maybe I could catch it before my kitchen looks like an all-white Jackson Pollock. That's only short-term. The long-term visions are more foggy. One minute I see my children as successful entrepreneurs and the next they're 30-somethings still living at home.
Powers I don’t have that I wish I did:
Replication - so I could make copies of myself finally get some sh*t done
Invisibility - so my kids can’t find me (I see this as being more useful in the teen years)
Time Travel - so I could go back in time to stop myself from eating all of the extra Halloween candy.