One might think that children evolve as they grow and mature. After all, they appear to be changing rapidly in their environment. This is simply not true and recent anthropological research done by The Information Chase Science Team ("ICST") has uncovered never before documented advancements in a related species. Extensive observations in a domestic habitat reveal how the indigenous species parentus dementis or "parent" by its common name, demonstrates major evolutionary strides with the introduction of a new species childreum typhonus or "children." Data collected from 2008-2012 has been recently published. Some of the findings are as follows:
Child #1 is born. House is always neat. Toys are always put in their place after play time and a strict naptime is adhered to, with parent taking a nap when child does. Child is supervised by parent at all times. Household chores are completed calmly and efficiently. Meals are consumed with all members of the clan together. Food for Child #1 is carefully portioned and much attention is paid to its feeding.
Child #2 is born. House is somewhat neat as Child #1 is in the habit of cleaning up toys regularly and a fluid naptime routine is now in place. Though parental naptime is eroding, there is an occasional 20-30 minutes of downtime in the afternoons. Child #1 entertains Child #2 so parent is able to attend to dishes often piling up in the sink. Parent has increased intake of coffee in the mornings from 1 cup to 2 cups. Meals are more rushed in nature, though still eaten together with parents tag-teaming attention on children. In addition to food for the parents, whatever food children appear most interested in eating is also prepared.
Child #3 is born. Toys are strewn everywhere and the vacuum cleaner has collected a slight layer of dust. When parent does pull out the floor swiffer to complete a cursory sweep, Child #1 begs to use it. Parent rushes to do her job before relenting and handing it off to child. This distracts Child #1 long enough for parent to pour the first of many cups of coffee for the day. By this time, Child #1 has reverted to chasing Child #2 around the house brandishing the swiffer as a sword while Child #3 is rolling around gnawing on toys clearly labeled for ages 3+. Parent swallows mouthful of hot coffee, swipes the swiffer from Child #1's hands and puts it away before embarking on a tv remote hunt, eyes peeled and coffee cup in hand. Child #3 has begun crying. Parent successfully excavates tv remote from behind a sofa cushion, selects a child's tv program and Childs #1 and #2 stop running and sit on the sofa. Parent scoops up Child #3 placing it in the activity saucer, assesses the condition of a nearby pacifier and, deeming it satisfactory, puts it in Child #3's mouth. Parent begins the trek back to the kitchen for more coffee and encounters Child #2 on the way, limping the rest of the journey with it clinging to her leg. She detaches Child #2 with some milk and adds coffee to her cup, which is mostly lukewarm at this point.
Unfortunately, additional research was unable to be completed. It was found that many ICST members had not been inoculated against children's highly contagious bacteria slobber, sneezes and poop, and where consequently falling ill. Based upon evidenced collected so far, scientists were able to determine that parentus dementis developed faster reflexes, enhanced sight and hearing and an expanded spectrum of cognitive capabilities that seemed to exist only at the extremes whereby the parent either functioned at a higher capacity or at a very low capacity, possibly as a self-preservation method. ICST so far have inferred that children come into the world as they are and instead of evolving to adapt to their environment, wreck havoc upon it. As a result, the parent(s) must evolve to survive in the changing habitat otherwise face certain extinction. Further research is slated to resume once members of the team have fully recovered. Researchers will also seek to determine if there is a correlation between birth of children #4 and #5 and the phenomenon of parents eating their young.